12. Life happens in the transitions
Uncovering very normal emotional needs beneath the tech addiction
I’ve been reflecting on my two-month social media break.
Overall, I’m headed in the right direction and my mental health feels more stable. I’m cultivating stillness and ease within myself, not feeling constant FOMO and less inclined to go on a dopamine seeking notification binge.
Deep seated habits take time to reverse though. In the space cleared from deactivating Instagram, LinkedIn, and Facebook, I find myself incessantly checking Gmail, WhatsApp, and Messages even after setting strict notification and screen time limits. I ended up deleting the Gmail app on my phone and have found the web browser to be enough and less distracting.
Uncovering very normal emotional needs beneath the tech addiction
I’ve encountered multiple layers of addictive patterns along this path of deprogramming. I have moved through the software layer: noticing the endless scrolling and then cutting down on specific apps. But there’s still an underlying pull towards the device itself even after all the addicting apps have been removed. So far, setting my phone to grayscale has helped decrease the slot machine candy appeal of my iPhone.
As I have worked through the tech piece I’m now facing more squishy questions. Why do I feel the need to fill the gaps? Why do I feel the need to constantly distract myself? I try to inquire from a place of compassion rather than confrontation; there’s a deep emotional desire rooted in feeling validated and connected leading to distraction-seeking behavior agnostic to technology. I address my non-constructive self-loathing by reminding myself it’s only human to seek out these comforts.
Transitioning with presence
In my day to day, there’s a pattern of transitional moments like commuting or queueing triggering this distraction-seeking behavior. I’ve noticed a tendency to consider commute time as a transitional “throwaway” time, a void to fill, an inefficiency to optimize. It’s a space I habitually inject productivity or dopamine into, where I tend to run away from myself via a notifications check.
On my 10-minute drive home from the gym, my wise mind knows that the best thing I can do for myself is impart a moment of stillness and ease. To acknowledge that 10 minutes isn’t that long and that the stress introduced from fidgeting with Spotify often isn’t worth the upside.
Yet still, I try to inject an audiobook. Or skim through my release radar. Or run lines. Or call someone. Or start mentally rehearsing the things I want to or need to do once I arrive at the next destination. Honestly just do ANYTHING except the thing is right in front of me.
A similar thought pattern played out at a meditation retreat. I was late arriving for the first seated meditation session and had to join an introductory tour. I noticed myself devaluing the tour because I wasn’t meditating in the way I had envisioned, sitting cross-legged on a mat with a subtle waft of incense in the air. It’s like the tour guide was reading my mind as he started his tour with: “You are practicing Zen meditation right now, even if you are not in the zendo. Life is meditation.” Through that gentle reminder, I was able to release my angst, rush, and hurry and be present with the people and space around me.
And that’s what I want to cultivate more of. Less angst, rush, hurry, more presence, stillness, and joy.
Inquiring with curiosity
My goal is to recognize when I'm distraction-seeking, to gently question the reasons behind them, and to incorporate what I learn into future moments of mindfulness. I hope that I may embrace these moments of transition, with as much enthusiasm I do towards the destination. It’s along the journey that my curiosity is often piqued: a store I hadn’t noticed before, a sidewalk alley or art I hadn’t seen, people otherwise enjoying themselves and strolling. Life unfolds in the mundane.
In the more difficult transitions, I hope I can reframe these experiences as opportunities for learning and courage. Opportunities where even if I’m not sure where I’ll end up, I still have the audacity to move forward. It’s in times of trying growth and change that I want to rush through the discomfort. As unpleasant as they might be, there can still be learnings (and serendipity!) there for me so long as I remain open to them.
Affirmation
Today I breathe out fear, doubt, and overthinking, and breathe in trust, spaciousness, and standing tall.
Toybox
🎧92.7! KEXP is now streaming in the Bay Area. Tight. Also bumping Arlo Parks on repeat after dancing at her My Soft Machine tour
🍝Butternut squash carbonara. The candied bacon is DIVINE.
📚 Pimp by Iceberg Slim. Reading this book was like dropping into a world with its own language, rituals, and characters. An eye opening insider’s look on the hustle required behind pimping.
That’s it for this edition, take care until the next!
XOXO JZ
Beautiful and thought provoking, as always! Thank you Jiaxin! Reminded me of the quote from Eckhart Tolle: "People don't realize that now is all there ever is; there is no past or future except as memory or anticipation in your mind.”